Back to the ’90s at Woolies, it’s not coke, and X schools Canavan

It’s 1998 in Woolies world: Woolworths has announced it’s lowering the cost of “family favourites”, albeit, by its own admittance, not dramatically. But don’t worry, it’ll all add up, the supermarket, which made $1.7 billion in net profit last year, explained.

Among the savings? 10c off baby wipes, 30c off camembert, and $1.50 off four chicken schnitzels.

“Families spending $150 on their weekly shop could now save on average around $15 a week when buying Lower Shelf Price Products”.

Crikey has… shall we say, a few issues with those figures. Readers, please send us your weekly shopping costs — so we can collate the data and send it to Woolworths HQ with a calendar pointing out it is not the late ’90s.

BREAKING — It’s obviously not coke: Crikey isn’t as naïve as to believe that across the expanse of history, world leaders, in some private corners of their lives, probably, certainly, have had some drugs (see: Hitler). But surely, to do so cavalierly, on a train to the Ukrainian capital of Kyiv, moments before members of the press come in to photograph you, is not the right time and place. 

Well, Alex Jones — that’s Alex Jones of “ordered to pay Sandy Hook families US$965 millions over hoax claims” fame — isn’t allowing any wool-pulling over his divorced-dad eyes. Announcing yesterday a “DEVELOPING SCANDAL”, Jones exposed French President Emmanuel Macron, British Prime Minister Keir Starmer and German Chancellor Friedrich Merz as having “a bag of white powder”, which Macron “quickly pockets” while Merz “hides the spoon”. Jones later confirmed: “BREAKING: It’s coke”.

See the scandal for yourselves:

DEVELOPING SCANDAL: Macron, Starmer, and Merz caught on video on their return from Kiev. A bag of white powder on the table. Macron quickly pockets it, Merz hides the spoon. No explanation given. Zelensky, known cocaine enthusiast, had just hosted them. All three of the “leaders”… pic.twitter.com/M2h5Fhzo5h

— Alex Jones (@RealAlexJones) May 11, 2025

It presumably took an intern journalist about 12 seconds to find a different angle of the hedonistic drug free-for-all to determine the “coke” was in fact… a tissue. Some outlets have said the “spoon” is a drink-stirrer — but I think it’s one of those tapas skewers. 

Heady stuff.

X gives Canavan a little reminder: Amid the heated leadership battles taking place in Parliament this week, most prominent has been the race to lead the Liberal Party — notably Senator Jacinta Nampijinpa Price’s throwing of her Akubra in the ring as second fiddle to Angus Taylor. 

However, not everyone has been chummy about the duo’s announcement, which occurred only days after Price said she was defecting from the Country Liberal Party to the Liberals.

Jacinta Price’s decision to put her own ambition over the will of the voters is exactly why people are sick of politicians.

Jacinta Price was elected less than a week ago as a Senator that would sit in the Nationals party room.

Jacinta’s act is no different than Lidia Thorpe…

— Senator Matt Canavan (@mattjcan) May 8, 2025

Mining cosplayer and Nationals Senator Matt Canavan took a swipe at Price’s decision, saying her prioritising “ambition over the will of voters is exactly why people are sick of politicians”. However, as the internet was quick to point out in a community note, Price was elected as a member of the CLP, not the Nationals. Thus, per the Coalition’s rules, she is perfectly fine to join the Liberals partyroom if she wishes. Maybe if Canavan had stuck to the job at hand — challenging for the Nationals top job — he might’ve had a fighting chance.

Barely relevant news of the week: As the world waited to learn who would take the prestigious job as the Catholic Church’s new king bean, watching eagerly for the white smoke to drift out the Sistine Chapel’s innocuous little chimney, it was easy to get lost in the moment. 

Thankfully, Australian media is more rigorous, always keeping an eye out for the bigger picture, the more important story. On the day of the papal announcement, news.com.au published an exposè about the “one detail many missed”. That detail was that a seagull next to the chimney regurgitated a rat. Was this the spirit of Pope Francis leaving this world, as his successor took the reins? No, it was a seagull regurgitating a rat. 

Papal controversy in the ballpark: Meanwhile, the sporting world is getting a lot of joy from the fact that the newest pope, Leo XIV, is a Chicagoan from the south side of the Windy City. It turns out Leo XIV is a White Sox fan. As The New York Times pointed out, perhaps it’s fitting that the minister for suffering supports the White Sox.

An eagle-eyed social media user noted, however, that the club’s tribute to Leo’s papal ascendency listed him as the 268th Pope. The Vatican only recognises 267, leaving out the antipope Felix II.

Evidently, as the user points out, the Chicago White Sox must believe that Liberius’ banishment by Emperor Constantius II was legitimate, and that the installation of Felix II was too.